Welcome to the first article of Nerdvana’s new public service column, “That’s an Alternative Fact, Jack”, where our crack team of Multiverse Experts, Alt-Fact-Checkers and Speculative Historians, buried in an undisclosed location deep beneath Arizona’s Superstition Mountains, will assimilate current events and report on the actual alternative reality that our world has transitioned into. Here you will find the pseudoelastic truth you need to survive in our ‘knave new world.’
Today we investigate the question that many people around the globe are asking themselves, “Is President Trump the “antichrist” that is predicted in the New Testament of Christian biblical canon?” And this one hits very close to our hidden Arizona location.
One would think that “Satan” and his minions (like the demon nun Valak – depicted in the Conjuring 2 film) would enter our world in a subtle, stealthy manner; but in actuality their presence has been plainly visible for quite some time.
It’s has long been thought that the home of Mephistopheles lies deep inside the bowels of the planet; so, from there, let’s take a look at what we know from our accepted base-fact files, and then see how our alt-scientists and other-side engineers fit these puzzle pieces together to form one cohesive and indisputable truth.
FACT: In late 2014 a deep fissure was found in the ground of the Arizona desert. Citizens were advised not to panic, but, from what we know now, this was the precise moment to begin panicking and preparing.
FACT: In July, 2015, just a few short months after the Arizona fissure was discovered, “Donald J. Trump” appeared at a presidential political rally in Phoenix, together with Arizona’s controversial Sheriff, Joe Arpaio.
FACT: Around the same time that Trump visited Phoenix (Summer 2015) it was discovered that the entire city had actually sank into to ground.
FACT: Trump son-in-law, Jared Kushner, owns Manhattan property at “666 Fifth Avenue” – the same number that is widely recognized as the number of the beast (AKA Lucifer).
FACT: On January 24, 2017, after swearing on two bibles just four days previous, President Trump tweeted out a photo that showed his inauguration ceremony on January 20, 2017; but the photo was actually dated January 21, 2017.
A photo delivered yesterday that will be displayed in the upper/lower press hall. Thank you Abbas! pic.twitter.com/Uzp0ivvRp0
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 24, 2017
After programming these various items into Nerdvana’s “Factometer” (patent-pending), then processing and analyzing the massive results, we’ve now determined, for the first time, how these seemingly unrelated events are all tied together.
In an effort to gain control of and then destroy the planet Earth and its gullible denizens, the antichrist escaped from Hell through that reported Arizona fissure. The beast then walked through the desert and eventually connected with two parties he had previously made dark “deals” with – Joe Arpaio and Donald Trump.
The weight of the evil-entity (combined with that of Arpaio and Trump) actually made the Phoenix-metro area sink further into the ground. Additionally, the heat generated from the aforementioned hell-spawn led to the hottest Phoenix summer in decades.
From there the “Prince of Lies”, together with his demon-marked “son-in-law” bamboozled the American people, who were ill-equipped to clearly decipher their forked-tongues. These poor souls voted for whom they thought was Trump (whose actual soul is now roasting in Hades over its past treatment of women).
Tricking his way into the White House (by convincing poor people that a billionaire businessman could be their savior), the demon-Trump actually caused a shift in the dimensional-time continuum when it lied, literally on a stack of bibles, about protecting the U.S. Constitution.
What appears to be a misprint on the inauguration photo of which demon-Trump boasted is actually a time-glitch and residual evidence of our world’s shift into a different, much-darker reality. Something that demon-Trump advisor, Kellyanne Conway, let slip when she stated their administration was utilizing “alternative facts” to carry out its devious mission.
So, to answer the original question, yes, we are now being governed by something quite evil; a something from another world that can easily deceive people who otherwise might have once believed in good and just principles – like truth, justice and the American way.
The truth is right here in front of us; in plain sight for those willing to see it. Nothing that is happening can be logically disputed.
…and that’s an alternative fact, Jack!
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